Escaping My Mother’s Life and Creating My Own:
A Love Song for Earth and Mother’s Days
April 22, 2009,
North Palm Springs, California
Brenda Barnes, President
Home Grown Food Network, Inc.
Lately we’ve been in a spurt of activity around the front and side where we are making a Home Grown Food Network demonstration house and garden. We’re finishing our fences made out of recycled things from wine bottles to advertising ”people” cut-outs painted red, to plywood signs that were drying in the desert for 10 years made into murals, to a thrownaway car hood turned on its side. This week we’ll finish stuccoing the rammed-earth courtyard wall in the front yard and start planting in recycled planters on top of it. The gazebo frame is almost a greenhouse. We’ve pulled up juniper roots (that took days for each one!), and replaced them with a mosaic recycled tile courtyard floor and potatoes growing in garbage bags. We made a planting box equivalent to a 5′ x 5′ garden out of a truck tool box I found blown off on the side of Highway 62, adapting an idea I saw on Martha Stewart for a wooden planting box with hardware cloth to drain the planting bed.
At first I thought this spurt was because we had time, since there was a lull in all the litigation I’ve been working on for years. Then I thought it was because we bought a Toyota pickup with money we got paid for winning a motion, so we could bring materials here easier. You know how they say once a Marine, always a Marine? I think once a lawyer, always a lawyer. My first thought always is my legal work causes everything, but then I realize there is a lot more to it than that.
It’s been 12 years since I was a lawyer. I guess it’s not surprising I have changed so much and can now finally on second thought see things in more than just a legal way. Twelve years is as long as I was in grades one through 12. I changed in those 12 years from a little five-year-old who couldn’t read, to a graduation speaker making a cliched point misquoting JFK’s inauguration speech a few months before. ”Ask not what your country can do for you. . .”
That much time can really change a person—and did change me. I went from a poor girl in too large a family with no prospects other than staying stuck on the wrong side of the Kern River in Oildale, to a 17-year old with full scholarships to Berkeley. I was so grateful to never have to even look back to Oildale, much less live there. I also thought I had escaped my mother’s life.
Those prior 12 years growing up were days I remember well, and still shudder. That was when women chose whether to be mothers, nurses, secretaries, or teachers. Or failing to qualify for any of those, they fell back on being waitresses, hairdressers, house cleaners, or babysitters. Or failing to qualify for any of those, they became nondescript miscellaneous ”crazies,” who lived alone in little houses, were called Grandma, and wouldn’t return balls hit over their fences.
I was so scared I would end up being any of those except a teacher—which seemed to me my only chance to escape my mother’s life or worse. So I desperately made choices I thought I had to make along the way. I refused to take typing in 12th grade because even with 11 years of straight A grades I knew if I learned to type, I’d end up being a secretary. I got married at 19 because we both planned to go back to Berkeley in the fall after we met, and my dad said he was sure I’d live with my boyfriend, so if I didn’t get married I couldn’t go. Kids were minors then until we were 21. So I took 10 milligrams a day of estrogen in Enovid, the new birth control pill that would let me finish college even though I was married. That was also when if women had ”good” husbands and could manage to do all the housework after we came home from work, we felt lucky our husbands ”let” us work.
Late in that 12 years I began to feel side effects of so much estrogen and then progesterone, which was all they had in birth control pills then whereas now there are combinations to fight those side effects. The current hormone dosage in birth control pills is less than one-tenth of a milligram a day, but I took 10 milligrams a day, 100 times that much, for two years, 5 a day for a year, and then 1 a day for a few more years. My heart started beating irregularly, and I knew something bad might happen. The OB-Gyn told me to stop taking birth control pills immediately and prescribed three alternative forms of birth control. I became pregnant in two months. I didn’t die, but I got married again.
That 12 years when I was getting educated and divorced, being a teacher, and being a human guinea pig had also changed all women in the United States, not just me. The 12 years after I graduated from high school in 1961 included growth of Feminism. Thank you, Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Bella Abzug, and all the many, many others. Those 12 years also included Title 7 and 9. Therefore, my class that started in 1972 at UCLA School of Law had one-third women, the first class with more than a token few. Roe v. Wade was decided in my first year of law school. I wondered if later generations would know what it meant to never have to get married if you didn’t decide in advance for your own reasons to do so.
I was caught in the middle. I had moved to the future, but I was married with a child, in a way in my mother’s life. I tried to do it all, be it all, be a mother and wife (how terrible I was at it, I can’t face even today), and become and then be a lawyer. Seeing how much better I am at law today than I was 12 years ago, I think I must have been pretty terrible at being a lawyer, too, but I didn’t know it then and I’m not sure even now.
My mother helped raise my son so I could do it all. She was my Sojourner Truth, so selfless in helping me escape. Then she moved to Louisiana with my brother when he went to teach at a better medical school. She raised his kids, also, so he and his wife, a world-class oncology surgeon, could do it all.
I had come too far in some ways and not far enough in other ways to escape. I focused on my husband and son, the real estate investments I had made while I was a teacher, then my law career. I tried to figure out why–when I had achieved far more than that five-year-old in Oildale or even the graduation speaker could ever have imagined—I was so miserable. Between 1973 and 1985 I went through 12 years of alternating light and dark, drank too much, wrote in my journals too much, and went to a lot of therapists. I dreamed all the time of another path, any path, of escape.
Finally, in 1985 I stopped trying to escape the truth of my misery and started to climb out of a pit. I realized I had never even thought about what I wanted from my life. I had just done what I had to do to escape my mother’s life. Then I had rebelled against doing that, in my late adolescence at age 35. Neither being a good girl nor not being a good girl had made me happy or been worth much.
It took me another 12 years to get out of law and Los Angeles and start another life. In the meantime I got divorced again, spent too long picking wrong men while single for the first time as an adult, and then really decided to marry Peter. My third marriage was the only one when I had no reason to get married except he was the best man I had ever met and I wanted to marry him.
I got certified as a Master Gardener, we both continued our studies on housing and energy, and we worked on starting a non-profit to demonstrate and educate on how to build ultra low-cost houses, grow edible landscaping, and use renewable energy. Peter built a beautiful tiny house out of recycled materials using only hand tools. We were green long before it was cool. We finally got the charity started in 2003, started building a big, gracious ultra-low cost house in 2004, and actually planted more than a token amount of edible landscaping in 2006. I felt forced by legal pushes to do what little it seemed to me I actually accomplished on my own goals. However, I did accomplish some things, for whatever reasons, and they were toward my goals, not someone else’s or rebelling against someone else’s.
There have been five 12-year cycles since I was five. It seems to me the next one will be the best, but the last one has been good in a lot of ways too.
For a long time I thought we would not survive the Bush presidency. Wiretapping Americans in America without warrants, torturing prisoners, keeping protestors away at all times—I was terrified we were being taken over by a modern-day Gestapo. I couldn’t sleep for a month thinking another Republican might get elected and do more of the same, and worse.
As a result the apolitical Brenda is gone forever. I read the New York Times online every day and sign every petition that comes along. We’re preparing a competitive grant proposal for Obama’s green energy and broadband extension stimulus package. Today I signed up for a local action council.
And we’re growing potatoes in garbage bags and salad greens everywhere. I realized since we are doing it all in a lightweight way with little water, that could be revolutionary. Roofs are the most underutilized space there is for growing food for ourselves, and the main problem with roof gardens has been the weight of growing media and water.
In the meantime, my mother has become incapacitated with macular degeneration and pre-dementia. She’s 87 and in a fog, after all these years of taking care of other people. I never could pay her back for what she did for me, but I didn’t realize there wouldn’t be time to even try while she was aware. At least, though, I’ve learned the importance of wellness practices for illness prevention, so I can pay it forward. Growing our own food without chemicals and long transportation that destroys nutrients is part of that.
Life is good. Growing is good. Maybe I have not only escaped, but also learned some things about my mother’s life and my own that will improve the world. I’ll let you know in the next 12 years.
– 30 -
from Peter Naughton on Earth Day
Wanting to have an expanded global consciousness today I made a special effort to become aware of planetary issues. I watched the movie For Love of Water (FLOW) this morning. (see the trailer here) I sent an email off to Autumn, our granddaughter, with a link to a project where musicians all around the world are playing music to raise our consciousness so that we can all act cooperatively- Playing for Change. Then I went off to my day job helping community development projects get chores done. In mid-afternoon, to unwind from all that, I joined Shuperman for a freshwater fishing adventure in Morongo Valley, California. Just before we started fishing President Obama made an Earth Day Proclamation.
As soon as I heard that Proclamation, fishing on Earth Day began to rankle a bit on my nerves. I started thinking “I should do something that makes me think more about earth on earth day than hanging out on water’s edge”. The guilt was building until Shuperman started catching fish. Suddenly the old primal “gotta catch more fish than the other guy” “instinct” took over. Away went the guilt and wham!, I started changing baits from yellow to brown, brown to brown green, and brown green to PINK, yes pink, anything to catch the most fish. I had no intention of eating any fish, I just wanted to gratify my own ego about catching more than Shuperman.
I could not hook one fish even. Every time they would follow my bait right up to the shore, I could see them do so in the very clean water, they would seemingly look up, see me, give me a look which implied “not you again” and turn around… leaving my pretty pink bait twirling its plastic tail like a little pink piggy tail.
The mosquitoes finally got the better of us around dusk and I conceded defeat, Shuperman 6, plus 1 that got away (out of his hand), me -zero.
Driving home I realized that even though our fishing venue was more of a pond than a lake, I hadn’t cared, it was good enough to fish in to show who could catch the most. Suddenly I got goosebumps- “nobody”, (that’s me), really cares about where we do stuff anymore, we only care about looking better than the “other guy”. Nobody pays any attention to where we are, (fragile planet, earth), any more, we just want to look better than the other guys!
When I got home I decided to be uncomplicated about my happiness to have had such an enlightening experience of nature today- I just went and hugged our tangerine tree, spoke to our wonderful grapevines, promising to give them an extended trellis to grow over this year, and then, I kissed the earth from which our. possibly Oscar winning, potatoes have sprung. I think honoring the potato will make up to my Irish Grandfathers for using a pink bait to try to catch fish with!
Peter Naughton, Manager,